A Call to Action

Alright. I realize it is too late for me (and even my kids, probably) to put a stop to it. But I have a plea for all you parents of children 4 and under.

STOP THE MADNESS!!!

You have a chance to raise your sons and daughters to see a better world. You can do it. The world doesn't have to look like it does right now.

You see, I'm an alumnus of Northern Illinois University. I was shocked and moved and betrayed by the events that happened there this past Valentines Day. (I was also in shock when events played out at Virginia Tech last year.)

I was most disturbed by the fact that various places that I spent many beautiful, peaceful, and happy hours have now been touched by blood, and traversed by SWAT teams. A memorial to the dead now stands on a hill that my young sons and I spent an afternoon giggling and rolling down. All our hearts are tainted by the events that occurred last Thursday.

I teach high school in DeKalb County and many of my students graduate and attend classes on campus there. Many of my current students also find themselves on campus for various reasons. Some co-workers from my part-time job also are their pursuing their Bachelor's Degree. Worry ran high, but no one was lost or even in the lecture hall (Thank God). My colleagues and I are fortunate.

But it is time to look at the bigger picture. How can we make this stop? Eric Zorn of the Chicago Tribune asked his readers for some description of the problem. He got a lot of answers.

As I told you: It is too late for me and my generation. The children we have raised are the ones engulfed by violence in one form or another almost every second of the day. Our children have been raised by daycare in large groups and many lack a sound background in our own family values. There may not be much we can do for them. However, it is probably never too late to try to bring civility and the expression "This is what our family does . . ." into various conversations and situations.

The school where I teach has been in the process of forming a curriculum in Social and Emotional Learning (a less technical phrase would be a curriculum in how to know oneself and get along with others). For a good article on this go to the CASEL website and click on the article from O Magazine called "the New Improved Self Esteem." You will find it under the announcements section.

One reason we are implementing this curriculum is because it is mandated by the state. The other is because our students often don't have a clue how to deal with situations that involve uncomfortable feelings like when someone doesn't agree with you, or you don't see any way of achieving what you want quickly, or you just feel bad and don't seem to fit in. Fights increase as our school population becomes more diverse, not just ethnically but socio-economically as well. Cruel, threatening, words are spoken just to get attention or to make a particular student feel like they have an affect on the world. Our students come from homes where, if the same tactics have not been used by the parents and role models in the home, those tactics have not been corrected because the world is a "tough place" and people have to be tough along with it. You can't be "weak:" you need to win and never back down or lose face or embarrass yourself.

This needs to stop. Today.

A new world will not begin in a world with more guns or less guns. Nor will it begin in a world with more abortions or less abortions, more God or less God, more drugs or less drugs. It will begin in the nursery.

A New World will begin with:

The unabashed love of each parent for his or her child. This love will not tolerate an unkind act, not from the daycare bully or (most importantly) from their own child to another. It will begin with responsibility for actions. When the child is too young to know better and does something unkind to a playmate or embarrassing to a neighbor or friend that act will not be shrugged off or laughed at. That act will be met head on and corrected, apologized for, and restitution will be made to the wronged party. Parents will be examples of the Right Thing to do, meeting uncomfortable situations and feelings eye to eye, never wavering, being brave.

When a child has problems that make them hard to manage, or that might be embarrassing to acknowledge. Parents will love their children enough to meet that issue head on, get the child the help they need and never waste a moment on regret or shame. The only shame is in not doing what it takes to give a child the best possible chance of existing comfortably with in the bounds of this world.

The True Acceptance of Difference. I am in no way advocating conformity, but I am advocating the acceptance of difference. People are not alike. It is ok to stop pretending that we are. Even though all ways of being are valid. No one will be liked by everyone. Children should be taught how to dislike, disagree with, and be different from each other without needing the opponent to be less than they are. An opposing viewpoint does not negate your own. A good wish from a different culture is still a good wish. Teach children to live with love and acceptance and they will love and accept.

Guidance. Children need guidance, and that is what they have lacked from my generation. We want our kids to be happy and we run around trying to do what it takes to give them the things that will "make" them happy. The truth is, we cannot make anyone happy. No car, no game system, no amount of freedom will do it. Children grow happy when given guidance and the ability to be unhappy and learn that it will pass.

The Courage to Be Uncompfortable. If it sounds like I am advocating a world where every mother or father stays home with their child, I'm not. I'm advocating a world where sometimes a parent chooses the discomfort of their child's protests over the comfort of a quick fix. I'm advocating for a world where every parent advocates for a child's right to be themselves, but not at the expense of another child's rights. If your child likes to push others around, give them the guidance to know that is wrong. If your child is harassed let them know they did not cause it by their existence and show them how people work together to settle difference. Do not be upset if your child's behavior is criticized, look for the truth and help the child adapt to exist peacefully.

Zero Tolerance for Unkindness. Don't tolerate rudeness and active unkindness from each other or in your children. Some "jokes" just aren't funny. Don't let people belittle others then hide behind that excuse; don't do it to your kids.

Don't let Daycare and Elementary School be the places where kids go to learn to be mean and to learn to tolerate the tough treatment that the world has to offer. Teach them a better way, and as best you can, for their sakes, follow that better way yourself.

If we start now, with our children under five years of age, if we stand tough and brave, and filled with Love, we may be able to make scenes like the one at Northern an anomaly of history.

I am an undying optimist and I know that calls for Utopian solutions don't work. I guess I assume that we all want the same things, and I shouldn't. But we need to make a plan somehow.