Lost in Glamour

I picked up the September Issue of Glamour yesterday.

This one:

With the cover story
"Look and Feel Your sexiest at 20, 30, 40
The hair, the skin, the body, the secrets!"

Aside from the fact that I guess once you turn 50 you have no need to be recognized or sexy (but I'll get back to that later), I really have enjoyed and been quite immersed in the magazine. (This is probably the 2nd Glamour I've ever bought in my life. I don't know what's coming over me lately.)

I especially liked the part where several celebrities talked about the best and worst of the aforementioned decades. Iman said the worst part of being in her forties was worrying about being old, but when she got to be in her early 50's she realized how young she actually was. It reminded me of how I felt the week before I turned thirty. I got over that pretty quickly. I'm not sure how the being old worries are going now that I am forty.

I know I am getting sick of being told what should not concern me/ is not suitable for a woman my age: Being sexy; I want to be "classic" now. Going to certain clubs with good music and fun dancing; I now should be concerned with "fine dining and wonderful conversation." I am always second guessing my clothing choices and the shops I go into. I'm wondering if the things I love to do are "appropriate" for someone my age. I think I'm supposed to give up an being adventurous soon. (I haven't even started having adventures yet.) I feel like I've spent the first half of my life "too young," and I'm about to spend the next half of my life "too old." And the short moment when I was "just right" flew past without even letting me know it had arrive.

Yeah. . . I know I'm whining. I'm just as old as I let myself feel, and who are "they" to tell me what I can and cannot do. I don't think I've ever truly believed in societal messages before this time in my life, but I see them where ever I turn these days, and I say to myself, "No wonder you want to keep your age a secret. No wonder you are having such a hard time liking yourself when everyone seems to have such a long list of stereotypes you won't live up to."

The hardest one is that a woman who won't accept these stereotypes and act as expected is making some kind of fool of herself.

I thought it was hard to battle the "Good Mother" stereotype. They just keep getting piled on. I am waiting for the day that I will have the courage to say "F this!" and be who I really am.

There are just so many levels that compete against each other. I am respectable: a mom, a teacher, a business woman, but I have a wild side that never got expressed when I was younger and it cries out that it won't be shut down forever. I need to balance them. I don't know how.

But I comfort myself with the realization that no matter how much I hate all the messages about what I am supposed to do with myself during this decade of my life, in the next decade I will apparently become invisible and of no interest to any kind of advertiser except those that sell fiber supplements to keep me regular.