"F" this

I don't wait well, and I handle uncertainty with even less grace. This summer has been all about having no control over any direction my life is taking. It is making me miserable.

I have been waiting to see where my employment situation might require me to live, but since I couldn't be sure, I couldn't plan on moving. I couldn't plan on staying either. The result: an entire summer went by during which I could have been nesting, but I just stood wondering: "Should I pack or unpack?"

I had the opportunity to move into a brand new townhouse, but did not want to take it in case I moved out of the area. Now that I am pretty sure I'm not leaving, I still can't take it because no one wants to move if we're not leaving the area. It is more complex than it sounds. We have moved every year for the past two summers and people are tired, but it is still an opportunity that I waited all year to find out I had to pass up. And I really like that townhouse too, but people have done a lot for me in the past, so I can do some things for them when they ask as well.

I'm working on my non-profit organization. I am doing everything I can think of to help it grow into a thriving community for teenage writers, but then comes the part where you leave it up to them to thrive and they are rather slow to react. I have no control over that. I have my visions and I will guide us there, but we are not reaching them as quickly as I had hoped. I need to start scouting out places to hold classes and recruiting students to attend these classes. I control the creation of the brochure, but I don't control the results they bring.

I also am interested in starting a new for profit business to supply financial security while I still have the ability to work on the non-profit. Things are falling together slowly there, and since they are falling together, I continue to progress along doing the few things I can to get my ducks in a row. The franchise I want to buy is a good one. How to organize the financing is another major unknown in my life. I just progress forward in faith that circumstances will lead me where I want to go.

My school district is wondering if it will have a contact for its teachers by the beginning of the year. So I am wondering what will happen there too.

It amazes me that someone who is filled with "Wonder" like I am hates to "wonder" as much as I do. When faced with the unknown, I want to do something . . . anything . . . just to make it go away. I am a woman of action and this summer of frantic inaction has taken its toll on me.

For example, I canceled the family trip to Disney World this summer because I couldn't cope with the planning process. I needed some form of certainty. I couldn't get firm commitments on travel dates. The friend that was supposed to help us when we got there was too hard to reach. So I canceled it, despite the fact that in a moment of inspiration many years ago, I promised my oldest son that we would go by the time he turned 14. Since I could not coast along on one more issue, I canceled the trip. I have two more years to make it possible, plus I got a couple weeks of the relief from at least "that" being taken care of.

But it is so hard not to just "take care" of all the promising issues that leave my life untidy. I could give up on my non-profit and get that time back. However, I risk losing out on an opportunity that is quite fulfilling to me and potentially helpful for many others. The employment issue has pretty much resolved itself for the year, except that I don't understand why the whole process went so quietly. I told myself I would take that as an indication that I am supposed to sincerely pour my efforts into the non-profit. The new franchise opportunity will take some time, but has the potential to make tons of money. This is something I should just pursue flat-out, trusting to fate to open the proper doors. (If nothing else, I learn what is takes to pursue opportunity.) And there is always next year for Disney. The money I make through the non-profit will make a difference in my ability to provide a good time.

Maybe the world is not as bleak as it appears. Maybe circumstances really are gelling. I need to remember: it is not the destination, it is the journey that counts. I just feel like I have spent all summer at the rest stop.