Smart Girls

You have to forgive me because I watch a lot of movies and they all blend into each other like a giant movie smoothie in my head. I never remember what movie I was watching or who the actors were. It becomes a giant game of "Vague." But anyway, I was watching this movie the other day, a guy was talking to a girl and he made the comment, essentially, that all girls are beautiful. It just happens that "Beautiful" girls want people to notice how pretty they are, but the girls that choose to hide their beauty want people to notice . . . something else. The girl he is speaking to asks him which one he sees when he looks at her. He replies, "I see everything."

I think that in reality "smart" girls want to find the guy/person that sees everything. I know that's what I wanted.

I spent most of my teen and young adult years thinking I was ugly and dressing accordingly. I remember being mistaken for a guy when I was younger and not really minding it all that much. I worked in a particularly male dominated occupation (technical theater) where I got to play with equipment and hang with the men, and the best part was when some co-worker would look across the platform we were building, through the hammers we were swinging and realize that there was actually a kind of interesting female over there. I had some very great relationships, but I pre-qualified a lot of the men because the ones who could never see beyond the clothes and the hammers into the true me never even approached.

It was a test and the men who passed it were amazing.

At some point as the years passed, somewhere in my late twenties, my feminine side began to emerge. I grew my hair long; I changed out of my denim and flannel; I started to wear make-up a little. And I suddenly realized that men (for the most part, if you just want to date them, and sleep with them) are incredibly easy. Wear make-up, tight clothes, a big smile, an attitude that oozes sex, (you didn't even have to carry through) and they would do anything you wanted them to. When I was a real estate agent, I'm pretty sure a seller accepted one of my buyers' offers because he got to see down my shirt every time I passed the contract across the table. His agent was angry at him because the offer he accepted was much lower than she thought he could have gotten, but he said we all seemed like very "nice" people and he wanted to make us happy.

When I realized this kind of power existed it was addictive (and kind of disgusting in it's simplicity) if you want to know the truth.

I met the man who is the love of my life during this phase. I'm quite sure he would have seen me in my other phase too (He is one of those men who sees "everything" in me.)

But back to the point, the rush is heady, and I often wish I would have known about it sooner. I'm not saying I'm gorgeous or anything, but objectively, I am not nearly the dog I believed I was in my younger days. (Emotionally, I'm every bit of that cast off puppy, and I live in fear that one day everyone around me will catch on and see through.)

However, having played both sides of the issue, with the emotional ugly duckling paddling furiously beneath the water, I'm really considering this whole "stripperization" of American womanhood issue. Is our only choice as women to be Madam Curie or a Madam? If I pick my brain to be my best asset, do I need to give up on my tits and ass - ets? If I shake my money-maker tonight at the club with the girls, why can't my board of directors respect me tomorrow morning?

It seems that whenever people are firmly split down the middle of an issue that there are merits to both sides of the question. I am empowered daily by my intelligence. It will most likely be there for me long after my beauty has faded. But my appearance and my sexuality are equal parts of me. I can't deny them, or I find that I am only half of myself and I am edgy, off-kilter, and lacking a level of confidence. Therefore, I feel greatly attracted to the sexual empowerment movement as well.

A woman willingly exhibiting or sharing her sexual side is a powerful woman indeed. One who is forced or coerced, or who gives it away for a t-shirt in the back of a tour bus, is demeaned and degraded and her power is stripped from her. I understand that too. However, to refuse to embrace the feminine power entirely for fear of seeing it used against us is wrong as well.

I'm gonna be pondering this for a while. As I follow my Abs Diet, thrilled that I am seeing my body change, watching my butt lift and my abs emerge, basking in the glow that a body I'm becoming proud of again can give me. While I dream of having a Flirty Girl Fitness in my area so that I too can learn to embrace my feminine side. While I ride my motorcycle, and raise my children, and strive to integrate all the facets of my world.

Any comments? What else do I need to know?